Sarcasm and Things We Say Because…..

I think I may need to have a T-shirt made that says on the front “Don’t ask!”, or “Yes, I am.”, or “If you don’t REALLY care, DON”T ASK!” And why is that, one may ask? It seems to me that people who work in the retail stores (and I mean it doesn’t matter which store it is) all follow the same script when dealing with customers, such as I. Yes, I get that it’s their way of expressing customer courtesy and they’re being told to do it. But I swear, if I stay in a store long enough, everyone that works the retail floor is going to ask me if I’m doing alright or if I’m finding everything alright. Are they all trying to be nice and helpful or is it just me, walking around aimlessly and looking like I’m lost? I expect it to happen and it’s only the fact that a portion of the staff has disappeared (probably indirectly due to coronavirus-related reduction in customer flow) so there’s not as many people on the staff to come up and ask you the same questions you were asked just minutes before. So me, being the sarcastic S.O.B. than I can be with my reckless imagination, whipped up a few responses to the standard questions I get bombarded with.

I might just point to my ear, like I’m hard-of-hearing, then hold up both hands and smile indicating “Sorry, can’t even hear what you’re saying!”. I might try “No habla ingles!” except most stores have at least one person that speaks Spanish so this really could backfire on me. Because I would then be subjected to another fake smile on a Spanish-speaking talking head, asking me how I’m doing or if I’m “finding everything alright”, in a language I mistakenly pretended to be able to speak. (Probably won’t try that one) “Are you doing alright?” This is a question that I could fire back on with one of many responses. Usually, I just say “yes, I’m doing great” because this is what you’re supposed to say and what they expect to hear but……. What would they say if I had a different response such as “ I’m doing fine but can you show me places in the store where the cameras can’t see me? or “I’m doing fine except for that big boil on my left butt cheek that won’t heal” (That’s SO DISGUSTING!!) OK……I would never say that! Or…would I? How about “What do you have for someone who’s big-boned?” or “I’m just wish shopping, looking at all the things I can’t really afford to buy because I have a minimum wage job (something like yours). (That would be mean-spirited.) I could come up so many more more, off the wall responses but in reality I just want to be left alone when I shop. Basically, if I want help, I’ll ask for it and I feel like I’m being harassed. I may have to fall back on that “I’ve killed before and I’ll kill again” look (got it from my dad) and see if it works to repel those “I have to ask” sales people. My go-to option is to walk in with my blue tooth earphones playing in my ear (a little Pandora, Cecilio and Kapono music perhaps) and once they see that, they “smile” and walk on by. It works every time.